Nowhere Fast

stoopid tests

2004-04-15T11:44:16Z

http://www.okcupid.com/

My results: Damned Boy Next Door
Like I didnt already know that *sigh

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RGLD&g=1&o=2&h=182

Soul worn thin

2004-04-14T08:32:01Z

I was going to rant about my penchant for chasing men that won't stand still. Apparently in God's extreme fear and loathing of me, He in His infinite wisdon decided to illustrate this apparent hate most vividly this evening. The All Powerful must be capering about in the heavens with perverse glee to give me an example why I feel this way to crystalize my diaphanous feelings.
Few guys capture my long-term interest, Jason was one. He already had slipped through my fingers once about a year ago, then suddenly he was single again. This time I was determined not to let it happen again. After much renewed flirting, I officially asked him to dinner, which he accepted. I suppose the first sign should have been that the aforementioned dinner didnt materialize after a month of me asking him out. After two months, I shoulda gave up. He disappeared for a while and resurfaced a week ago. As he is wont to do when he has things troubling him and tonite was no different. At first he was vague about what these things were and of course me not being a complete idiot, knew he had man troubles. he didn't know how to tell me he was seeing someone, I told him I wasn't stupid, that that subject would be the only logical reason he was doing his little tap dance concerning what was wrong. Anyway, I was a good guy, listened to him anyway, gave me best advice not clouded with the stab of pain and disappointment I felt, then left the conversation once he was done venting. So once more, I feel I am cursed to walk alone. Melodramatic, yes. Truth, who knows. Anyway, it was a shitty end to an otherwise really really good day.

Warm day and sunshine

2004-04-13T12:26:11Z

Being in love is like having the sun in your eyes, blinding but the warmth feels good on your face. I miss that feeling. Walking into a room and seeing “him”, no matter what else is going on in my head the thoughts just stop, melting away unnoticed in the heat and light of merely laying eyes on him. Seeing the same feelings reflected back at you in the eyes of your lover is the best part. My face gets all hot, my cheeks on fire. The sunspots in my eyes usually caused by one of two things a. I am hyperventilating or b. I have stopped breathing all together and we won’t even talk about the silly grin that’s usually plastered across my face. More miraculous still is the feeling of peace. You don’t think about all the wrong you have done, any regrets you might have. All the shadows of your soul chased away, burned away in the presence of that light. It’s the fact that every guy I have felt this from thinks this sun is more like a spotlight, to be turned off or redirected when the day gets a little cloudy. I wonder if its bad to wish that at least one of them will wake up 5, 10, or even 20 years from now regretting that they found it easier to “illuminate” other pastures instead of bundling themselves up in foul weather gear and wait out the storm. However since the wellspring of these emotions I feel originate from inside me, I get left dealing with the searing aftermath. It’s painful realizing that you didn’t burn as bright for them as they did for you. Eventually the light fades then dies, taking with it the pain away with it, leaving you to wander the chill days wrapped up in the comforting warmth of friends and family. Boy howdy, how I miss the sun.

Scribblings

2004-04-11T06:15:02Z

“Other World”

I crossed over a dune, leaving a world of deep blue night clad in her starry mantle behind. The crescent moon high above veiled by towering evergreens, whose piney scent went unnoticed thanks to the wood smoke from our fire. One final step taken and I literally plunged myself into another place.
Fog enfolded us, dampening both skin and senses. The sky disappeared, the moon blanketed and tucked away, its bright radiance muted to a soft silvery glow. The pale light diffused evenly throughout the mist around me. Only a smear of white above remained, marking where the moon had previously shone brightly.
We wandered. Our small group slowly broke apart until I walked solely with John. Or I should say, I walked with the voice of John for company. Even he, less than 10 feet away was made dark, features hazy and indistinct. Merely an articulate dark gray smudge moving against the featureless lighter gray smokescape that surrounded us.
John commented that this is what traveling between the planes must like. I thought we were in Limbo or that this is what the “Mists” which protected fabled Avalon would be like. I would not have been surprised to see an “otherplace” suddenly appear before me, solid and real, framed by intangible swirling grayness.
We continued to walk and I realized I was alone. However this singularity was pure illusion, for someone could very well have been standing 50 feet from me and I would never have known it. I felt alone and that was what was important. Even knowing others were nearby, their positions given away by their flashlights flickering off in the distance. Otherworldly fireflies, I remember thinking, did nothing to disturb the timelessness of this place in which I dwelt.
Once someone moved swiftly at the edge of my visual perception. Any sound they may have made was swallowed up long before it reached my ears by the dull roar of surf pounding the beach nearby me. The effect of this quickly moving person literally flickering in and out of my field of vision was simply put, “ghostly”. There, then not. There, then gone again. Quick, silent, without distinctive form or shape.
I started to walk again, even my own minimalistic sounds were eaten away by the heartbeat-like rhythm of the breaking waves. I moved toward the nearest nest of “fireflies” that represented my friends whom I had been unconsciously paralleling this whole time when a figure coalesced out of the ether, close enough to have human shape but only that. “It” stopped and, I assume, studied my equally vague human shape for a moment, then “it” moved on, gone again to who knows where only to reappear once again to study me. During this second pause, I noticed that the figure cast a shadow. A shadow far more definitive, solid and real than the figure itself. The reflection was dark and glossy in the wet sand. Etched in sharp relief compared to the nebulous form that stood opposite it, edges blurred and messy against a foggy gray backdrop.
I had two thoughts before the “it” now he spoke to me. First, because of the surrealness of that moment, I felt I was viewing that persons soul reflected there in the sand, so substantial did it seem to me. Second, I hope to carry that image, if mere image it was, with me for the rest of my life.
Pete spoke to me then and we rejoined the others, only to cross the dune together once more. This time leaving that suspended “other world” far behind.

Ghosts of the Past, Wraiths of the Future

2004-04-06T11:13:07Z

Coffee with my friend Cat and reading Greggy's latest entries has put me in a comtemplative mood. Usually it's a downward spiral that befouls my mood when this happens, however, this time my thoughts march with placid ignorance of any emotional response that usually accompany them when the subject of Josh is brought up. Cat was explaining my intricate relationship with Josh to Melissa. I sort of sat back detatched from the conversation, mentally reliving last Summer, the period which most of what Cat was yammering on about took place. Greggy's latest entry complimented this earlier conversation in a subtle way and crystalized how I have been feeling lately that I could just vomit monkeys.

I am not about to explain to the unwashed masses here about my connection and past with Josh. Suffice it to say there wasn't a physical aspect to discuss in any case and the emotional tapestry woven between he and I defies any poor verbage I may possess to convey how it was between us acurately. I am in love with him, plain and simple. I was the moment I laid eyes on him. So powerfully so, that Cat seems to think that I won't ever be able to love someone else until Josh and I have closure, or at the very least, no one will be good enough for me until Josh and I do. That this hasn't happened isn't actually in my control. Hard to talk to someone when they don't return your calls. Anyway, I can't say I agree with him. I am definately more than smitten with Ben and if I am boy-dreaming, it's Ben that comsumes my thoughts if they are left to wander aimlessly.

But it was something Geggy said that struck me deeply. The 2 paragraphs before this apply greatly as well, just substitute the names Jack and Ken in there instead of Colin and Zach, but its this the hit hard and deep.

"Needless to say, the concept of love between me and another person coming about gradually is a bit foreign to me. In an earlier entry I remember saying that I wasn't opposed to an evolving affection for someone, but the more I think about it, the more I'm sure that I'm better suited to sudden passionate love instead. Not exactly Virgo territory, since we're supposed to be all cold and calculating, but what can I say? When I fall in love I prefer to fall hard and fast, it just feels amazing. Perhaps that's a bad thing. Maybe I shouldn't let love be such an all-consuming flashpoint like it always has been in the past. But in the same way that Lindsey is sure 'settling' isn't the right approach, I have an innate certainty that 'intense sparkage' is what's best for me."

I am hunting for the guy that makes me feel like I did the first time I saw Josh, Jack and Ken. I hyper ventilated, time stopped and my innards were on fire. Oh and lets not forget the noodley knees and sudden palsy in my hands. Like Greg, I can't pick and choose or summon cock out of the ether on command, but have turned down perfectly good, desirable suitors over the last 6 months and as bad as I want a guy all my own, settling for someone who doesnt make me feel that way does the person I am with a huge injustice, not to mention running the risk of me walking away if I run across someone who does make me feel that way later on.

Evil Minion

2004-04-06T06:49:45Z

You are a strange and potentially dangerous minion.
Your master has been suspicious of you for some
time, and for good reason. You have tricks up
your sleeve, and although you do your job,
something seems a little off. You likely plan
to someday overthrow your master and take
control of the universe! Probably not gonna
happen, but keep at it...

What Kind Of Evil Minion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

More tests

2004-03-23T07:07:58Z

Well the last entry wasn't coherent at all. I didn't even get around to the point (if there really was one) I wanted to make. Anyway, I am not up to a serious update tonite, however, I did find out what type of anime character I am.

You're A Villian!
You evil person, you. You have a dark side to you.
Your destiny is world destruction/domination.
Just so long as those pesky heros stay out of
your way.

What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Smoke and Mirrors

2004-03-22T12:59:44Z

We spend so much time chasing what we are missing from our lives. The emptiness varies from person to person, yet love or that special someone seems to be the cliche absence. I see my friends achieve what I dont have. Am I not worthy? Do I try to hard? Do I try too hard and not worthy? *laughs.
The inherent hypocrisy is I have turned done my fair share of eligibles but think nothing of it until it's me on the recieving end. Then it matters. Go figure.
I know what I feel like when someone "grabs" ahold of me. I couldn't breath the first time I laid eyes on Ken. Hell, I even remember what he was wearing when I did. That was 7 years ago. Yosh was my sexual awakening, the first time in my life I was consistently sexually active. Deep sexy voice and total bottom, haha, doesn't get much better than that. Joe wasn't even technically a boyfriend. We didn't date but a couple weeks, but his stamp on me is deep, only two others have made a bigger impression on me emotionally. He doesn't understand how deep and I won't tell him. It's the past and I don't feel it should have any bearing on the future. Yet seemingly enough, not talking about it with him has kept a "weirdness" there for him. Then there is Jack. We never dated, per se. Our interaction defied labels. I can't put into words the feelings there. The other person would be Josh, the chemistry with that one is electrifying. Others who don't know either of us that well have commented to me about it. Jack and Josh might as well be cut from the same cloth.

Phooey, this isn't a very linear or coherent entry. I am lost in my emotions. I shouldn't even post this but I went through the trouble of writing it. Usually it helps clarify this sheeit in my own head but not tonite. In any case, I am done for now.

Spinning Timeless

2004-03-20T14:05:21Z

On the eve of my self destruction, I see you standing on the far banks. High above me on ancient cliffs of my memory. Unreachable, untouchable. A mere shadow, a darker smudge against a darkening sky. My screams to you lost on the ever present wind. Eaten, swallowed whole. My voice stillborn immediately after being torn from my throat. Energy wasted, I stand, clothes swirling about me, slapping at my hands and face, mocking my attempts to reach you. Why should I be able to? I couldn't in reality, so why would that change in my dreams? Some things are just better left alone.

Tests, tests, and more tests.

2004-03-12T08:50:36Z

As I surf about I see all these tests. So here are my results on the ones I decided to take.

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You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.

Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Family Guy character are you?

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

You are EMPEROR PALPATINE!
Obviously I took a Star Wars test, however there wan't a nifty link thingy. Too bad really, I needed an evil picture to balance Clarissa out.

I am Capt. James T. Kirk
No link again, this is starting to irritate me. Bonus points if you know Senor Kirks middle name.

Who's Your Inner Artist?

Your inner artist is Keith Haring!
With your good-natured charm and fun-loving attitude, it's no wonder you're paired with the cartoony style of Keith Haring. Always up for a good time (or hosting one), you probably have a natural ability to talk to anyone, anytime, anywhere. People are naturally drawn to that charisma, and compared to others, you have it good when it comes to making good friends.

www.emode.com

Ok, thats enough of this silliness for now.

Temporary relief

2004-02-27T07:59:36Z

I will eventually get around to blathering on about myself, I am still caught up in the moment concerning my career path and the changes I need to make. This is the bottomline.

I am not happy, mainly doing what I do for a living. Lack of an intimate relationship is a close second but the career thing seems something I can do something about with a greater chance of sucess, so although I havent implemented a time table for this, I am going to go to school. The path I choose to get there is also still up in the air.

Regardless, it's the decision to make a change that I am so caught up with. There seems to be an inherent freedom of soul that has gone along with all of this that's liberating. For right now, I don't dread coming to work, my general disatisfaction has lessened, and I hate to admit it, but perhaps Corey and Joe are right after all (don't tell them that though) the thought that I might be finally gearing up to live up to my elusive potential is exciting. We will ignore that fact that I am 34, about to amass massive school debt, be poor as muther f'er, may not actually be good at what I want to do, because for now everything is right in my world (although men still suck; news at 11).

Quote of the Day- "To Thine Own Self be True."

Crossroads...

2004-02-26T08:38:25Z

I had mentioned the possibility of background information on myself, perhaps a shadow of such will come through with this entry, but right at this moment it's not my main goal with this entry.

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. Nothing which I haven't dealt with before when concerned with changing the course of my life, yet there has only been one other major such junction in my life. I left home for the military at the tender age of 17. Yes, 17, that means my Mom had to sign me away, haha. I wonder if I should have abandonment issues? Something to think about the next time I need a reason to blame some part of my dysfunctional personality on, heh. Anyway, I did that for 12 years then walked away. I made that decision a year or so before my enlistment ran up, thank God the anxiety attacks lessened both in intensity and frequency over that year as I adjusted my thinking to leaving the only way of life I had known as an adult. My reasons for doing so are many, some for public consumption yet still ringing of truth, but more so having to do with my sexuality. Again, perhaps all that is an entry for another day.

Where I find myself now deals with were I want to go from here. My current job was more out of neccesity to eat and clothe myself than out of any love of electronics and repair. I am not really of a technical bent, but the training was free and I make good money. The fact is, I am not happy. I never had any real interest in doing anything in particular with my life. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. However after constant harassment from some friends of mine that I am wasting my potential, well, maybe the star have aligned properly or I have reached such disatisfaction while my current career that I finally need to do something about it.

I have finally found an area of interest that I know I would be happy doing, but it means going back to school. If I go back to school, I don't want to do the work fulltime and go to school parttime gig. So I need to either quit if my employer wont entertain a parttime schedule, find another job with less of a commitment but possibly as lucrative as the job I currently have (going to bartending school seems a fun option), or go overseas for 6 months since I am still in the Reserves and sock away a nest egg of cash then come back and go to school. All choices means less income than I am used to making, drastically changing the current way I live, and enter into a state of being that has no real security which I have been accustomed too for the last 17 years. Oh and to top it all off the area I wish to do is sooo gay, Interior Design. Hello?! Can I pick a more faggoty career? A business idea which might make me self sufficient and self employed would also have to go on the back burner as well if this route is chosen.

This is the point I am at, no decisions have to be made tomorrow but tentative movement in a direction does need to be put in action in the near future since I am told finacial aid forms for the Fall term have to be submitted sooner than I would like. Here I stand with too many options but one has to be taken for my long term sanity and happiness.

Quote of the Day- "It is a great ability to conceal one's ability."